2008....

Should be superb. I've been granted a job at DMU so now's the time to do some serious growing up. No more drugs...no more shit from people. Time to get off the meds and really move on with my life.

Oh, before I forget:

Jenny
Bella
Stacey
Fuzzy Claire
Kelly
Liz
Amber
Lianne
Penny
Mandy
Izy
Sarah
Julia
Charlotte
VV
Laura Kitten
Rosie
Tall Chris

I swear there's more! I really do...! Anyway, time to watch Requiem for a Vampire.

WHAT NOW....PLEASE??

I'm writing this from my bed. I'm wrapped in my duvet. I'm freezing but also too warm. I've been crying and my back is still absolutely killing me. I think I've done serious harm to it. I feel like shit - utter shit. To add to all of this my left ear (what a FUCKING surprise) is also humming in time with my heart-beat and will not stop!!!!!! What the FUCK is up with my ear?!? I'm sick of it. One thing at a time - not 6 things....or 10 things.

Life is crap. So crap it's untrue. I lost my job - that glimmer of hope that I was finally getting my life back on course. I feel it's a huge injustice that they decided to get rid of me. In fact, I hope their company becomes a total failure. Fuck them both - rotten cunts. I'm too warm again now...and hungry. My back keeps throbbing.

I've decided that, no matter what my parents say - I'm not going to look for work for the time being. I just can't. I'm taking too many knocks and work will not make me better. Fuck, I feel sick. I need food. I need something. I keep getting cold shivers and then bursts of hot air. What the fuck is wrong with me!??!?!?!?!

Going through all the contacts in my phone I feel like I have no one to turn to. Evenings or early mornings are the worst. My vision get blurry...I still think I'm seeing things that clearly aren't there. Have I got HPPD or whatever it's called? I don't feel like I can talk to my parents as my mum has been a crutch to so many people in her life. She's been spending nights drinking lots of vodka which worries me....and all she does is play those computer games. I don't know how I can go up to her and say "I'm really not in a good way". I've been 'depressed' for so many months now and it hasn't got easier. Everything is effort. Making a drink; showering; shaving; cooking; even pissing and shitting. Yet, I still go about my business in some vain attempt. I believe in being clean and have now occasionally shower twice a day. I do it because it relaxes me and, believe it or not, is something to actually look forward to! Why?! Fucking why?! I walked to Toys "R" Us on Friday in a silly attempt to waste money on Star Wars figures or indeed any plastic toy that'd give me happiness for a day or at least a few hours. My back is killing me!!!

I'm shaking. I can't seem to stay at the right temperature.

That's another thing - dreams and sleep. I've been having far too many dreams about having an accident on my scooter - or some other tragedy. It's almost getting to the stage where I don't know what was a dream and what was just my imagination. That scares me - it really does scare me.

And what makes me happy nowadays?! Seriously?! Virtually nothing. Most of the recent music I've listened to has failed to stimulate me. I haven't seen many good films lately - those I have have generally been depressing affairs. Oh, and I've put on weight which really upsets me. I feel slightly bulkier and am not happy with my appearance!

Seeing her out and about on Friday opened far too many wounds. Even the party with Glenn made me feel a bit down. I feel like I've totally lost what friends I had. In some ways I know I'm difficult but people telling me they've actively not replied to me or engaged me because of it is a very hard pill to swallow.

I think I've exhausted myself ranting now. I'm not crying. Fuck, why can't I go back to the start of the year and never have taken that pill. Butterfly effect, I reckon. I just don't wanna be stuck in my parent's house - it's too small and like a prison. I have no money to get a place of my own. I really, seriously need to get away.

Anyway, my ear has just started ringing again and my back is throbbing!

Also...

It's just Sam and I in the office today. She's wearing a lovely tight-fitting suit and those gorgeous stilettos again. She has a 'dot' chin but it really turns me on. Raven-haired too. Wish we could just shut up office and fuck like rabbits! C'mon, Luke! Think of ways to go downstairs and strike conversation.....

Killing Time

Mmmmm, cheese scones. I thinkn I've had 3 this week - not very healthy :(

Not sure why I'm writing this. Got the office to myself today so I guess I'm trying to take it easy. Facebook, Gmail and Myspace have been blocked in the office now so hopefully it'll give me a much-needed kick up the arse. Shame though...

Haven't really been up to too much this week. Finding some of the editing reasonably tricky at work but still enjoying it. Found out I'm getting over £600 sick pay which was a nice piece of news. Should get me out of the red and into the black. Plus, I get my first paycheque from Webcomm in a week! Just need to get my ISA looking healthy again.

I haven't been to the gym in a while which bugs me. I went for a small jog the other day and I was shattered after a few minutes - not good.

Charlotte and I are ok, I guess. I'm still not sure what to make of it. Nice girl...but maybe her lack of self esteem is going to cause problems. I mean Lianne was timid and quite shy but, behind locked doors, was an animal and had no qualms getting down to business. I know it sounds incredibly superficial but I wish Charlotte would take control a bit more or, failing that, just give me a handjob. Maybe tonight...

Had a nice time at the MoK last night with Mr Smart. Sadly fatty was there with her set of grinning bulldogs. Felt proud though - I didn't look over at her once and blatantly caught her gawping a me a couple of times. She's still looking very meaty! Haha!

Going to buy Tabletennis for the Wii tonight which I'm excited about. Also got my CBT on Sunday...which I hope I'll pass.

Well, I've killed enough time - best get back to work.

Peace xx

ARGHHHH!

I just spoke to her again and I could've sworn she was looking at my crotch! Fuck, fuck, fuck! She's gorgeous....

PANTS!!!

It's official - I'm totally smitten with the financial adviser who works in the office below. I've flirted with her for the past few minutes and had to walk away as I now have a huge erection. Now, that just isn't right - is it?!

She's wearing a red skirt and leather knee boots, for FUCK'S SAKE! Oh man...I hope we don't move from this office. Damnit, damnit, damnit!!!!!!!!

"I went to sleep"

Bored today. Not excessively so - but, meh!

Weekend was pretty good overall. Still slightly worried about Charlotte and I. I'm just not 'feeling it' as much as I thought I'd be. Plus I also told Laura Kitten and Sarah I fancy them both. Plus I've asked Amy out on a date and have a 'thing' for Jo! Nice one, Luca! You'll never learn...

Oh, and I got talking to both Milfs on the ground floor this morning and really like them both. One is married...but I'm not sure if her and her husband are still together. The other isn't. They're both pretty hot and seem to lap it up when I flirt with them :)

Turns out I WILL be getting money for my recent 'illness' which is reassuring. Oh, and the Citizens Advice Bureau are helping me get my deposit back. First thing I'll do when I get the money back is text Jane and brag about it - mad old bitch! As if someone of her age or stature needs my money. Whores - all of those Drummond-Hague's are filthy whores.

Not got too much else to say. My crash helmet arrived. I got Charlie those awesome leather opera gloves. England beat France in the Rugby....and I got drunk on wine. Errr, that's about it....

x

"It's been a long time..."

Well, well, well....what's it going to be then, eh?

I can't remember the last time I jotted something down on here. Probably when I was in a darker place.

May as well do a round-up.

So - the last 3 months: CRAZY. Not good-crazy, either. Left the flat and Julia behind which, in all fairness, I really don't miss. The flat had great potential but went to waste. Not my fault. Realised that I do indeed abhor Julia more than anyone else in the world. Sorry for the childish hyperbole...but it's true. Her mum can go fuck herself, too. Wasters.

I was headhunted quite a while ago for a small magazine publishing house in Lenham. I've been here 2 weeks now and it's a great job. Sure the money could be better but it's a rise from (shitty) Grub Street. Best thing I did this year was leave that shithole. My new bosses are nice people and I honestly think that I'll go far if I stay here. Plus, we're above an estate agents and 2 of perhaps the sexiest MILFs work there. Fuck, I know I shouldn't - but I keep tormenting myself with thoughts of them. They're both so slim...and always wear suits and those gorgeous pointed-toe stiletto boots. Gonna try and have a crack.

Ok, I'm away of how bad I just sounded but I also got with Charlotte - a girl I've been chasing for a few months. It's going well but, in some ways, I'm not feeling as content as I thought I would. She's a good laugh...and a geek...and the sex is good but I'm not totally 'feeling it'. I'm buying her some soft black leather opera gloves today so hopefully she can jerk me off all night in them.

Oh, I got an old Vespa not long ago and have got my test in just over a week. Bit scared about hitting the open road but it'll be fun.

Still on medication which isn't great. Also, I've slipped up on the chooch front a few times which has lead to some nasty experiences and hallucinations. I read up about HPPD and keep worrying that I've fried my brain a bit too much in the last couple of years.

Oh, Penny and I are talking again after a 2 year hiatus. It's nice, I guess.

Peace out! x

Meat-heads and double-chins...

Yo!

I've been in a good mood since Sunday. Maybe because I know I'm leaving this shitty job within 7 days. Sure, I don't have another job yet but things are starting to progress. Interview (of sorts) tomorrow afternoon. Signed up to a few publishing agencies...always got the local council to apply to.

Maybe the higher dosage (15mg) of Cipralex is kicking in?

So, I tried to make amends with meat-head (whooops, Izy) yesterday. Dunno why; think because I was insanely horny and I thought back to all the crazy fetish clothing I'd bought her. Especially the 2 pairs of ultra-skin-tight Miss Sixty leather trousers. I still remember when she did a 69 position with me whilst wearing those...she deep-throated my 8" for a solid 15 minutes...all the time grinding her leather-clad arse right into my face until I came so heavily it literally made her gag and my juice poured out of her mouth. Dizzy heights! Must admit, I do miss rimming her. Cute, tight little arsehole.

So, yeah, basically she doesn't want to know me and I feel that I've lost some dignity over it. Then again, the fact that I only contacted her to fuck her again shows exactly what my intentions are and that, technically, why should I feel downbeat about it? Things may have fucked up with Julia but I have still come a long way. I got the flat...and the cat (avec white face!).

Fuck Izy and her bizarre double-chin and idealised view of the world. She was only good for sucking cock and wearing knee-high boots...

Went shopping with Julia last night and we had a remarkably good night together. She cooked and I washed up. Chilled in her room smoking roll-ups and drinking Bitburger. Rented Borat and, yeah, had a strangely tender night. She even didn't catch up with (inbred hick) Andy to spend time with me. Shared the bed but I ended up leaving. Kissed her softly on the cheek. If only things had worked out but, really, there's no point in me even saying that as I'm sure we'll hate each other in a couple of days.

Well, I'm so hungry I'm feeling dizzy so I'd best get some lunch...

Peace, you pigs! x

I Put A Spell On You

Greetings!
Mmmm, tuna and cheese rolls made by yours truly - so tasty. Bit dry, though...

Errrmmmm, not quite sure what to say. Yesterday was mostly a bitch. Still having no luck on the job front. It's really starting to annoy me. I'm intelligent, hard-working (when I want to be!), got 5 years of solid experience. No one seems to be replying. I thought I'd piss over other candidates but obviously not. Hmmm...

As Fipzie said "Quitting a job without another one to go into is like jumping off a great height with no parachute...but hoping to catch one on the way down".

Pearls of wisdom.

Saw Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer last night which was enjoyable enough. I never feel threatened or really upset when I'm around my brother. It's as if everything seems somehow insignificant. Shame we don't catch up more but I guess we're heading in different directions.

That's about it really. Haven't got much to say. Meh!

OooOoooh, the goooOooood life...

Hello!

I feel quite good today. Not amazing but certainly not bad. Some Peruvian looking woman wouldn't pass out of the way for me today at the traffic lights on Northcote Rd so I physically had to nudge her out the way. Grrr, silly twat!

Caught up with Sarah last night which was pleasant. Much the same as meeting Mandy a few weeks ago I didn't feel the slightest bit nervous. It was weird - in fact, not in a bad way, I wanted to be more excited about meeting her than I was. Thinking back to how I lusted over both of them but how I can sit there and truly appreciate their friendship is great.

Arrived home and fed Mooks. Love that little guy - he's (allegedly) getting his second set of jabs today. That's if Fatty Arbuckle takes him.

Julia front: still weird. Talking to Sarah last night made me feel even stronger about it all. I think this medication is helping. I've not slept in the same bed as her for the last two evenings now. I'd still like to - but only if I could be close to her. I guess we both like the idea of having someone to share a bed with. Truth is, though - I sleep much better in my own bed...on my own. I don't even wake up and feel the need to sneak in and see her now. So that's good.

Apparently she met Hyer (why does the name alone really rile me?!) yesterday and they went to Rye. Odd guy - seems like he has to buy his friendship. It's quite funny how she's doing all these things that she said we'd do together and then her incessant hint dropping. I think it's rather desperate really. It doesn't get to me but certainly makes for a good story. It's almost as if she was itching to tell me these things. Ha ha...

Started reading Lunar Park this morning.

Fruit cake

Not really writing much in this blog. I've been feeling either so busy or just run down that I've not felt the need. Overall my weekend was quite good. I mean - not as bad as I was expecting. That's not to say that life is any less of a headfuck right now...but c'est la vie.

So...Thursday was great. Was supposed to meet Erica but ended up going to a party in Victoria with Christina. Had a really good time - despite my recent 'demons' I was able to meet a whole slew of new people are generally act very confidently. I think I really hit it off with some of them and felt totally at home. Was startled to see Andy sitting outside Victoria station with his ex. Still don't know what to make of the guy. In some ways I really like him...I mean really like him but, then again, I still can't help but feel he was one of the main reasons why Julia and I fell apart. That was still her fault though. Not to digress - Chris and I ended up taking one of the last trains home. My memory is somewhat hazy but I remember her making a pass at me. After all these years we still clearly have feelings for each other. Things got incredibly steamy on the train with her sliding her hands into my boxers and me fingering her until she came - in fact, I don't think I've ever felt a girl that wet before; she was dripping and tasted so amazing. Still pinching myself that it happened. She was even texting me on Friday afternoon with some pretty lurid details but things have gone essentially silent now.

Julia and I are, well, I don't know how we are. I think I'm generally getting over it despite her efforts to get a rise out of me. I find when I simply don't listen to her she still tries hard to get my attention. It's like, on paper, the girl is a wreck - her hygiene is sub-par...her health is awful, she lacks total motivation in life and her breath - SHIT! Then I lay next to her...feel her soft warm skin and want to be as close to her as is humanly possible. I just want to kiss her softly and wake her up like I used to. I liked just watching her sleep last night and her huge breasts just moving in motion. It is best for us to be apart - to separate totally. I realise over the weekend that my friends are truly there for me and consequently always will be.

I need to be firm with what I want. I can go places...I need a good rest and to start applying for jobs!

Right, time for fruit cake!

Goblins, Goblins!

Hmmm, well, here I am - back in the office again following a 2-day hiatus. Important things to remember:

1) Date with Heather was an utter flop;
2) You've handed in your notice at work - jump or be pushed scenario, wunnit?!
3) Several hours after this your almost-obese 'girlfriend' decided for the 3rd time that she doesn't 'love' you and dumps you...despite the fact that a few days before you dumped her and said you wanted nothing to do with her;
4) You harmed yourself...after several years of not doing it;
5) You had a mental assessment and came out as being 'mediocre';
6) You still curl up in a ball in your bed with your on-off lover/enemy/flatmate;

Crazy much?! Oui, of course it is!

I don't know how to feel. Part of me feels genuinely happy. New horizons and all that - technically the world is my oyster - I've got money; qualifications, friends, family - it's all there. I just hope Fatty Arbuckle doesn't piss on it.

Part of me is probably more scared than anything I've ever had to face before. It'll work out. It has to.

Avalon is back soon. Not sure why I'm writing this. Maybe because she'll bring her slutty thigh-high spiked leather boots and deepthroat me. Hmmm, I bet she gives good head. Think I'll keep in touch with her. Ease the pain n' all that.

That was all a bit Bret Easton Ellis there. Fuck, why am I writing this?!

Pictures At An Exhibition

Odd day. I finally split up with Julia yesterday...yes, FINALLY. And how do I feel? Actually, I felt over the moon. Heather had got back in touch and that still seems promising. But, realistically, can I really date a 35 year-old with a child? Tough...

Rowed seriously with my mother about Julia. Seems that more and more people don't really like her much at all. James 'hates' her...and Amino says she's more unhinged than me. In fact, Amino has been an utter legend today. I guess I do get the priviledge of calling him a true friend. He is.

So, I'm meeting with Julia tonight for the be-all-and-end-all 'talk'. I am convinced that I will leave Medway for good if we do separate. I hate the girl so much...and it'd be so easy to broom her (GOBLIN!) if I wasn't so fucking captivated by her. I mean; why?! Maybe that's the definition of love? Not to go all Sex And The City...argh, fuck it, SJP was an ugly moose who deserved a bullet in the face.

I digress. I just want to be happy. Truly happy. And I want love...

Just As Was Told...

So, what's new?

Well, last night was a bit strange. Met Julia on Oxford Street which I was quite excited about. Needless to say it took less than an hour for an argument to break out. Something about how I find her too domineering (something which a few people have said to me, lately) and how I'm tight with money. Apparently she never had this issue with Dan or Andy. Oh well...

To add salt to the wound I think I may have been hitting on Heather a bit too much. Despite generally getting the vibe that she was heavily into me she seems to have taken a step back from it all. Maybe I was wrong to get my hopes up. Shame because, well, it's the ideal fantasy and something which generally makes me smile. She makes me smile.

I do feel genuinely bad for Julia stumbling across those negatives of Penny. My fault although, technically, should your partner have the right to rummage through someone else's wallet? We spent yet another night in our separate beds. I guess, in some ways, I miss not being beside her. When I walked into her room this morning she was curled up in a little ball - I kissed her thigh and it was so soft and warm. Julia's always so soft and warm...

Took train into work with Marcia today. Nice girl - makes me laugh. Feel like I've got a friend in her. Running to the station I passed a gorgeous girl wearing a floral print dress and cute little black leather boots. I was stunned by her make-up - her eyes, especially. As I ran past her I smiled and we caught each other's eyes. She blushed...then I did a double-take only to find her still making eye contact with me and beaming. We looked round at each other 3 times…! I love it when that happens. Fuck, it's probably why I'm in such a good mood now.

"Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?"

Hmmm...

Well, looks like Amino has set up a blog. I had one; once...a few years ago. Almost got me into a whole load of trouble. I've no idea why I'm even starting a new one. It's a bit, well, sad - isn't it?

Saw my brother on Saturday evening who suggested that before I undergo counselling again I should write my ideas down. Says it raises you above the idiots who wait outside places like The Casino.

One thing I did realise on Saturday, which had an almost mantra-like quality to it was:

"I don't know what I want..."

And, hey, it's true. I wish I did......

Am I happy? Far from it.

Can I be happy? I bloody hope so!

Is Julia right for me? Heavily debatable but I fear that it's run its course way too early...

Am I a good person? Lots of people would certainly say so and I think I generally am...

Anywho, it's been a very hard day today and I'm very tired. Feels like I'm somehow walking through life like Arctor in A Scanner Darkly...