OooOoooh, the goooOooood life...

Hello!

I feel quite good today. Not amazing but certainly not bad. Some Peruvian looking woman wouldn't pass out of the way for me today at the traffic lights on Northcote Rd so I physically had to nudge her out the way. Grrr, silly twat!

Caught up with Sarah last night which was pleasant. Much the same as meeting Mandy a few weeks ago I didn't feel the slightest bit nervous. It was weird - in fact, not in a bad way, I wanted to be more excited about meeting her than I was. Thinking back to how I lusted over both of them but how I can sit there and truly appreciate their friendship is great.

Arrived home and fed Mooks. Love that little guy - he's (allegedly) getting his second set of jabs today. That's if Fatty Arbuckle takes him.

Julia front: still weird. Talking to Sarah last night made me feel even stronger about it all. I think this medication is helping. I've not slept in the same bed as her for the last two evenings now. I'd still like to - but only if I could be close to her. I guess we both like the idea of having someone to share a bed with. Truth is, though - I sleep much better in my own bed...on my own. I don't even wake up and feel the need to sneak in and see her now. So that's good.

Apparently she met Hyer (why does the name alone really rile me?!) yesterday and they went to Rye. Odd guy - seems like he has to buy his friendship. It's quite funny how she's doing all these things that she said we'd do together and then her incessant hint dropping. I think it's rather desperate really. It doesn't get to me but certainly makes for a good story. It's almost as if she was itching to tell me these things. Ha ha...

Started reading Lunar Park this morning.

Fruit cake

Not really writing much in this blog. I've been feeling either so busy or just run down that I've not felt the need. Overall my weekend was quite good. I mean - not as bad as I was expecting. That's not to say that life is any less of a headfuck right now...but c'est la vie.

So...Thursday was great. Was supposed to meet Erica but ended up going to a party in Victoria with Christina. Had a really good time - despite my recent 'demons' I was able to meet a whole slew of new people are generally act very confidently. I think I really hit it off with some of them and felt totally at home. Was startled to see Andy sitting outside Victoria station with his ex. Still don't know what to make of the guy. In some ways I really like him...I mean really like him but, then again, I still can't help but feel he was one of the main reasons why Julia and I fell apart. That was still her fault though. Not to digress - Chris and I ended up taking one of the last trains home. My memory is somewhat hazy but I remember her making a pass at me. After all these years we still clearly have feelings for each other. Things got incredibly steamy on the train with her sliding her hands into my boxers and me fingering her until she came - in fact, I don't think I've ever felt a girl that wet before; she was dripping and tasted so amazing. Still pinching myself that it happened. She was even texting me on Friday afternoon with some pretty lurid details but things have gone essentially silent now.

Julia and I are, well, I don't know how we are. I think I'm generally getting over it despite her efforts to get a rise out of me. I find when I simply don't listen to her she still tries hard to get my attention. It's like, on paper, the girl is a wreck - her hygiene is sub-par...her health is awful, she lacks total motivation in life and her breath - SHIT! Then I lay next to her...feel her soft warm skin and want to be as close to her as is humanly possible. I just want to kiss her softly and wake her up like I used to. I liked just watching her sleep last night and her huge breasts just moving in motion. It is best for us to be apart - to separate totally. I realise over the weekend that my friends are truly there for me and consequently always will be.

I need to be firm with what I want. I can go places...I need a good rest and to start applying for jobs!

Right, time for fruit cake!

Goblins, Goblins!

Hmmm, well, here I am - back in the office again following a 2-day hiatus. Important things to remember:

1) Date with Heather was an utter flop;
2) You've handed in your notice at work - jump or be pushed scenario, wunnit?!
3) Several hours after this your almost-obese 'girlfriend' decided for the 3rd time that she doesn't 'love' you and dumps you...despite the fact that a few days before you dumped her and said you wanted nothing to do with her;
4) You harmed yourself...after several years of not doing it;
5) You had a mental assessment and came out as being 'mediocre';
6) You still curl up in a ball in your bed with your on-off lover/enemy/flatmate;

Crazy much?! Oui, of course it is!

I don't know how to feel. Part of me feels genuinely happy. New horizons and all that - technically the world is my oyster - I've got money; qualifications, friends, family - it's all there. I just hope Fatty Arbuckle doesn't piss on it.

Part of me is probably more scared than anything I've ever had to face before. It'll work out. It has to.

Avalon is back soon. Not sure why I'm writing this. Maybe because she'll bring her slutty thigh-high spiked leather boots and deepthroat me. Hmmm, I bet she gives good head. Think I'll keep in touch with her. Ease the pain n' all that.

That was all a bit Bret Easton Ellis there. Fuck, why am I writing this?!

Pictures At An Exhibition

Odd day. I finally split up with Julia yesterday...yes, FINALLY. And how do I feel? Actually, I felt over the moon. Heather had got back in touch and that still seems promising. But, realistically, can I really date a 35 year-old with a child? Tough...

Rowed seriously with my mother about Julia. Seems that more and more people don't really like her much at all. James 'hates' her...and Amino says she's more unhinged than me. In fact, Amino has been an utter legend today. I guess I do get the priviledge of calling him a true friend. He is.

So, I'm meeting with Julia tonight for the be-all-and-end-all 'talk'. I am convinced that I will leave Medway for good if we do separate. I hate the girl so much...and it'd be so easy to broom her (GOBLIN!) if I wasn't so fucking captivated by her. I mean; why?! Maybe that's the definition of love? Not to go all Sex And The City...argh, fuck it, SJP was an ugly moose who deserved a bullet in the face.

I digress. I just want to be happy. Truly happy. And I want love...

Just As Was Told...

So, what's new?

Well, last night was a bit strange. Met Julia on Oxford Street which I was quite excited about. Needless to say it took less than an hour for an argument to break out. Something about how I find her too domineering (something which a few people have said to me, lately) and how I'm tight with money. Apparently she never had this issue with Dan or Andy. Oh well...

To add salt to the wound I think I may have been hitting on Heather a bit too much. Despite generally getting the vibe that she was heavily into me she seems to have taken a step back from it all. Maybe I was wrong to get my hopes up. Shame because, well, it's the ideal fantasy and something which generally makes me smile. She makes me smile.

I do feel genuinely bad for Julia stumbling across those negatives of Penny. My fault although, technically, should your partner have the right to rummage through someone else's wallet? We spent yet another night in our separate beds. I guess, in some ways, I miss not being beside her. When I walked into her room this morning she was curled up in a little ball - I kissed her thigh and it was so soft and warm. Julia's always so soft and warm...

Took train into work with Marcia today. Nice girl - makes me laugh. Feel like I've got a friend in her. Running to the station I passed a gorgeous girl wearing a floral print dress and cute little black leather boots. I was stunned by her make-up - her eyes, especially. As I ran past her I smiled and we caught each other's eyes. She blushed...then I did a double-take only to find her still making eye contact with me and beaming. We looked round at each other 3 times…! I love it when that happens. Fuck, it's probably why I'm in such a good mood now.

"Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?"

Hmmm...

Well, looks like Amino has set up a blog. I had one; once...a few years ago. Almost got me into a whole load of trouble. I've no idea why I'm even starting a new one. It's a bit, well, sad - isn't it?

Saw my brother on Saturday evening who suggested that before I undergo counselling again I should write my ideas down. Says it raises you above the idiots who wait outside places like The Casino.

One thing I did realise on Saturday, which had an almost mantra-like quality to it was:

"I don't know what I want..."

And, hey, it's true. I wish I did......

Am I happy? Far from it.

Can I be happy? I bloody hope so!

Is Julia right for me? Heavily debatable but I fear that it's run its course way too early...

Am I a good person? Lots of people would certainly say so and I think I generally am...

Anywho, it's been a very hard day today and I'm very tired. Feels like I'm somehow walking through life like Arctor in A Scanner Darkly...