WHAT NOW....PLEASE??

I'm writing this from my bed. I'm wrapped in my duvet. I'm freezing but also too warm. I've been crying and my back is still absolutely killing me. I think I've done serious harm to it. I feel like shit - utter shit. To add to all of this my left ear (what a FUCKING surprise) is also humming in time with my heart-beat and will not stop!!!!!! What the FUCK is up with my ear?!? I'm sick of it. One thing at a time - not 6 things....or 10 things.

Life is crap. So crap it's untrue. I lost my job - that glimmer of hope that I was finally getting my life back on course. I feel it's a huge injustice that they decided to get rid of me. In fact, I hope their company becomes a total failure. Fuck them both - rotten cunts. I'm too warm again now...and hungry. My back keeps throbbing.

I've decided that, no matter what my parents say - I'm not going to look for work for the time being. I just can't. I'm taking too many knocks and work will not make me better. Fuck, I feel sick. I need food. I need something. I keep getting cold shivers and then bursts of hot air. What the fuck is wrong with me!??!?!?!?!

Going through all the contacts in my phone I feel like I have no one to turn to. Evenings or early mornings are the worst. My vision get blurry...I still think I'm seeing things that clearly aren't there. Have I got HPPD or whatever it's called? I don't feel like I can talk to my parents as my mum has been a crutch to so many people in her life. She's been spending nights drinking lots of vodka which worries me....and all she does is play those computer games. I don't know how I can go up to her and say "I'm really not in a good way". I've been 'depressed' for so many months now and it hasn't got easier. Everything is effort. Making a drink; showering; shaving; cooking; even pissing and shitting. Yet, I still go about my business in some vain attempt. I believe in being clean and have now occasionally shower twice a day. I do it because it relaxes me and, believe it or not, is something to actually look forward to! Why?! Fucking why?! I walked to Toys "R" Us on Friday in a silly attempt to waste money on Star Wars figures or indeed any plastic toy that'd give me happiness for a day or at least a few hours. My back is killing me!!!

I'm shaking. I can't seem to stay at the right temperature.

That's another thing - dreams and sleep. I've been having far too many dreams about having an accident on my scooter - or some other tragedy. It's almost getting to the stage where I don't know what was a dream and what was just my imagination. That scares me - it really does scare me.

And what makes me happy nowadays?! Seriously?! Virtually nothing. Most of the recent music I've listened to has failed to stimulate me. I haven't seen many good films lately - those I have have generally been depressing affairs. Oh, and I've put on weight which really upsets me. I feel slightly bulkier and am not happy with my appearance!

Seeing her out and about on Friday opened far too many wounds. Even the party with Glenn made me feel a bit down. I feel like I've totally lost what friends I had. In some ways I know I'm difficult but people telling me they've actively not replied to me or engaged me because of it is a very hard pill to swallow.

I think I've exhausted myself ranting now. I'm not crying. Fuck, why can't I go back to the start of the year and never have taken that pill. Butterfly effect, I reckon. I just don't wanna be stuck in my parent's house - it's too small and like a prison. I have no money to get a place of my own. I really, seriously need to get away.

Anyway, my ear has just started ringing again and my back is throbbing!